Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Be the change you want to see!

I want to be controversial today and write with the intention of sparking debate, so if anyone wanted light reading then please scroll down or read another post - thank you!

Lately I have been involved in a lot of talk of marriage, relationships and the like. Not my own but those of near and dear ones. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I have extremely strong opinions about this topic. It is a no-compromise zone for me and therefore a no-go zone with me for several people (you know who you are!).
One can wax philosophical about things and say 'it has been this way for hundreds of years and I see no reason to change it!' - to them I say ' I see reason to change it unless you convince me otherwise'.
I and a lot of people I interact with, have been brought up in a very liberal manner - in thought and action. I have been taught and in fact encouraged to make my own life, plan it and live it!
In the course of my life, if I choose to wed (unfortunately as my father would say!), then I can do so knowing full well the consequences of my actions.
I am Indian by birth- and a lot of my friends and all my family are Indian. Having lived in the society I can appreciate the reasons for marrying off a daughter when she turns 20 odd years. The Indian society, even to this day, is not congenial to a single woman - regardless of her age and social standing.
However, in saying that I cannot agree that the same applies to somebody who has left the system, a girl/woman/female who does not live in India and has not lived there for most part of her life. We were shipped out, given independence, motivated and encouraged to think and live an independent life. Nobody told us not to plan past 25 - and so we did!
No one has been able to convince me that it is feasible and correct to uproot a woman's life just because she has turned a certain age. I will never agree (depending on the argument presented!) that it is OK for a girl to have to move countries, jobs, families because some archaic system said so or some biological clock decided to tick.
So, I can see you ask, what do you think? - Here is what I think, believe and practice:
Every individual must go about their life. Plan as far in the future as they want to. In the course of their natural life, without any pressure or deviation, if another person comes along that seems interesting, loving and caring, somebody who just joins you're life and makes the transition smooth and natural - THIS to me is marriage and a relationship!
I will in fact take this opportunity to thank my folks - thank you Ma and Baba for giving me the reins to my life and for helping me to be the change that so many of us want to see!


Kamesh said...

I like your candidness in broaching an aspect of life that I feel people seem to comment more and understand very little. I completely agree with the "understanding of the consequences of my actions", which I have seen really lacking in many marriages of people I know very well.

My take on marriages is threefold:
1. Marriage should be a pursuit of mutual happiness, and NOT some inevitable act based on some ticking clock(s).

2. Happiness in life is an amorphous concept. It's probably a combination of one's inner peace, happinesses of near & dear ones (spouse, parents, siblings etc.), job/career success and the list grows on. But finally its about having the best possible mix of these factors as life does not promise all of them to everyone. So a marriage finally becomes a pursuit of this balanced and feasible recipe of happiness in life.

3. Finally, I do not believe in the way some people turn geeky and try to fit things (rather mathematically!) in a marriage. Trust me, I know people who have a whole resume (qualifications, industry, salary!) prepared of the spouse(s) they would wish to seek! I believe that a marriage should be about two people committing to be together because even the world of happiness cannot replace the other person's presence in either one's life. When this happens, everything else will definitely fall in place and no sacrifice would seem bitter to either one of them!

AI said...

Lady, it's not always so cut and dry as you make it out to be.Here's the situation I'm faced with:

I'm in love with a guy who means the world to me but in a couple of years I know I want to go abroad and study. the thing is long distances don't work. so what do I do? Leave and hope that somebody better comes along or get married and smother my ambitions?

not so easy, unless you have some solid advice to give

Amrita said...

kamesh - thanks for the comment, its very true!

ai - long distances can work - I speak from personal experience.